Almost Done

I am 20 years old and by now I have done almost everything a real, living human being can do. I have played like a manic - always fielding never batting, might have lost around 30000 marbles playing in my building, getting hit by friends and still being loyal to them was my childhood trademark, and thinking I must never let anyone down and the only way I can do it was to do my work quietly and I thought one day I will prove it to everyone… and to prove I had to make myself ambitions… I clearly remember the day I started being ambitious in the mightiest way- I was around 8 and I used to spend my whole day at Dadu’s (my elderly neighbor) place.… One day in a news paper called Gujrat Samachar there was a kid’s story published called ‘Marelo Onder’ (The Dead Mouse)… It was a story about a 8 year boy called Himmat who finds a dead mouse and trades it to support his family and goes on to become one of the most successful self made businessman… I used to relate to him completely… Himmat was my idol… As far as I remember I have heard that story at least 193 times from Dadu’s mouth and have cried endlessly and got motivated and have looked into the mirror with fake wet eyes and all those sort of things and have been with that story for a long period of time… Today, when I set up something with a lot of ambition and I see that thing coming- I divert my attention to something else… For me it is very essential as I don’t want to get attached with anything… not even myself…

I used to write (and still write it sub-consciously) in my rough books and then dairies with a great belief that ‘I am the greatest man ever born on the planet earth.’ And I see that it’s almost going to happen in real… The real world still needs to see it but I have already seen it in my mind and therefore I don’t have the urge to see it… I think it’s not complacency but kind of a satisfaction syndrome which has crept in after working like an ant for two continuous years without a break… Now, work is starting to happen in a way where I myself don’t have to put an effort doing it… It’s happening on its own because the system has been set over a period of time and the roots are becoming stronger… Its just that this whole part that work can happen without myself working has not completely sunk in… It will sink in once results of a few projects are out by the March end … Talking about results – I am not afraid about my Third Year Bachelor of Arts results… Tomorrow is my economics exam… The last exam of my life… after which I will be free from the formalities of a graduation degree which my parents want and I want to see them happy… (By the way its 12.34am right now and I have not read a single word) at this point I am remembering my college years which will come to an end in sometime… I have been in love with two girls at a time… gone around with a dozen and have enjoyed those moments but you can say its like 3.5/5…

Cinema is what I worship… Its my enthusiasm… my work…its like 5/5… it has absorbed me… it has given me everything…and to tell you truth I am really a very very very happy person…

I had bought a car early this year and I know I am pretty sure to upgrade it to a Mercedes-Benz in a couple of months…I have many school and college friends who work with me and I meet or talk to almost all of them everyday and I know they are going to be by be any day… I have seen what lies in for me the next day clearly… whatever ‘step by step progress’ goals I have set are accomplished… so life has become a bit predictable… So, What I really wish to do sometimes is ‘Nothing’- but when I start ‘doing nothing’ and start settling into 'nothingness' again the ‘ambitious myself’ slowly takes the centrestage… and it all starts becoming smoothly chaotic… It feels like you have everything and you don’t want any thing… it’s a really cool state of mind… But I still go ahead and do my work because I cannot do without it…

A few years back I wanted to travel a lot but since then I have watched discovery travel and living for so long that I feel that I have already traveled the world…. And my physically being there would really doesn’t make much of a difference… I know it’s not the truth but this is how I feel right now… I have experienced a lot of cultures of various countries through the moving images because I am so very much into world cinema and I might have seen the film from a country which would be non-existent for most people…

Lots of things have happened for me quite early and I think I have lived a full mini life already… So I believe my life will show me yet another extravagant phase because I already feel that I am almost done with myself... its because I have already done a lot of adventure, I have traveled a lot, have slept in caves, seen wildlife from millimeters away… climbed mountains, danced in night clubs, flirted with countless girls, am almost married to my girlfriend, have thought about the names of my future kids, have swam in the river, gazed at the sea, looked into the sky, from an Indian middle class family point of view I have also traveled in a plane and thought I was in a Volvo bus, have eaten the most delicious food, spent a lot of time in slums, stayed in 5 star hotels, have seen the best of art, have seen people in all sorts of moods, heard a lot of music from around the world, have got different parts of my body operated, have written stuff, acted, made music have run a business, made a lot mistakes, have seen many deaths and funerals, attended marriages, traveled in packed trains, have taken care of the environment in my own small way, have had memorable conversations with many people, have earned enough money to live royally for a lifetime, have calculated that my personal wealth must be 17 digits before I retire, have played pool, carom, cards, chess, monopoly, scrabble etc., have befriended politicians and celebrities, have seen the moon, stars and sun so many times, have lied down beneath the tree, heard stories from my grandmother, have got beaten up by my mom and have loved it, have enjoyed my school, college, work….read the greatest religions of the east and didn’t find anything great in it… have also tried to meditate but have come to a conclusion that . All effort to meditate is the denial of meditation- but, When you learn about yourself, watch yourself, watch the way you walk, how you eat, what you say, the gossip, the hate, the jealousy - if you are aware of all that in yourself, without any choice, that is part of meditation.

Honestly, I would want to have no wants, no attachments, no flags, no company, no thoughts, and just be a free organism… but I also think it is impossible to avoid the thought completely in this conditioned world.

Anyways, after all the things I have written I am still a very ambitious person and I loooovvveeee my work… I discover through my work. While working, interesting ideas happen. It is not possible to sit and map everything out, and then start working on them. I start working, go wherever the work takes me, and then come up with new ideas.

Best,

Pranav Ashar

Day dreaming strongly recommended…